Ted Greve, do you ever go back to Abilene?
Or can't you forget how they laughed at you
lying there in the dirt, crying?
You just take a heft on the balance
of this little beauty.
The company guarantees six pheasants, six quail
or nine doves an outing.
Or, get this, you get your money back.
I can get that kind of game in any number of restaurants
in San Francisco already dead
and quite nicely cooked.
But on the trail, Mr. Paladin...
On the trail, I'm after slightly larger game.
Oh, well, then, you'll like this one.
Double ought buckshot in here.
Nine pellets to each cartridge.
Each pellet about the size of a.33 slug.
Guaranteed to stop buffalo, elk, grizzly, elephant
or even to attract the attention of a Missouri mule.
When fired at close range, it knocks a hole
about the size of an embroidery hoop.
Mr. Paladin.
Hey Girl, don't worry about this gun.
It's loaded.
It's the unloaded guns that kill you.
"Mr. Paladin, our town got run over
"with a covey of gunslinging water moccasins
"and needs your help.
"Pretty interesting reward if they get what they deserve.
"My nephew tells me you are just the man.
Regards, M.J. Smuggley, Sheriff, Arroyo."
A man in your profession needs a gun like this, Mr. Paladin.
What do you know about my profession?
Your reputation, your-your business card.
I suggest you forget what you know
about my reputation and my business card.
Now be careful with this gun.
It's unloaded.
Hey Girl, pack the gear.
Bon voyage.
Can you tell me where I'll find the sheriff?
You a lawman? No.
Well, the sheriff don't seem to get around uptown
too much anymore.
Well, can you tell me where I can find him?
Coal and hay barn yonder.
Hey, you might tell the sheriff that this town could sure use
about a pound and a half worth of law and order.
Come on in.
Close the door.
Get on over here.
Mister, you're just a twitch
from gettin' your head blowed off, and I got a nervous tic.
You better give me a hatful of words
and all at the same time. Now talk.
Talk?
I tried to talk through that window over there
and almost got a mouthful of buckshot.
I didn't have the edge on you then.
Who are you? What do you want?
My name's Paladin.
I'm looking for the sheriff.
Well, can you prove that?
Well, unfold it so's I can see it.
Oh.
Paladin, eh?
Why, you're funnier than a gopher snake
at a church social.
I'm the sheriff. I'm Maude Smuggley.
Can you prove it?
Everybody knows I'm sheriff here anyways,
but I don't want to give them a nice, shiny target to sight on.
Who? Those two in front of the sheriff's office?
Oh, no.
Not them.
I'm talking about their boss- Yates.
Them's just a couple of teddy bears.
Well, what now?
I didn't finish reading that letter.
Oh, I was only foolin' about that nervous tic.
I'm healthier than a brood mare.
Well, that is the best piece of news today.
Now what can I do for you, Sheriff?
Well, since I got the drop on you a couple of times,
maybe nothing.
Well, in that case,
this has been slightly less than charming.
Uh, do you want the letter?
No, I can't read.
The parson wrote that.
I just signed it.
Well, sir...
You ain't much, but I guess you're all I got.
You're hired.
Yep, they've gone to tell old Yates that you're here.
Come on, I'll give you some coffee.
How long they had you bottled up here?
A couple weeks.
Well, here's mud in your cup.
Yeah, old Yates sent a fella
out to my place to kill me.
Oh, where's he now?
Well, I buried him where he fell.
He was too big for me to drag off, and
there wasn't a soul to da'st come near enough
to help a poor widow woman.
I just dug under him, and than he sank in
and I covered him over.
See here, what's the matter?
Well, that's, uh...
got a sort of a twilight taste,
sort of somewhere between, uh...
kerosene and hemlock.
Hmm, it wasn't that thick last week.
Oh, I didn't put no thinner in it.
Here.
A little yellow whiskey, that'll help.
Now taste that.
See, I only got one still.
In the summer I make whiskey,
in the winter I make kerosene and crude oil.
Makes the whiskey taste kind of funny,
but it sure keeps the lamps happy.
And it doesn't seem to do badly for you, either.
Now, uh, Sheriff...
what is your problem?
Well, sir, two months ago a fella named Yates
came through here and wanted to buy up all this land.
No sale.
A week later he come back
and he says he's from the railroad
and that all this land is condemned for a right-of-way.
Still no sale.
Now Fred- he was my fifth husband-
he was sheriff.
And so he tried to organize the people not to sell.
So some barns got burnt,
and some poison got in some creeks,
some heifers got throwed in some wells
and four people got dead.
Fred was one of 'em.
Old Doc dug seven pistol slugs
and two rifle bullets out of him.
Why this valley?
Oil.
I don't know what they want with it.
It poisons the water and kills the fish hereabouts.
Well, Sheriff, a man in the East
has found a way to make a steam engine run on oil.
And they can make a kind of soap out of it.
Why don't you sell?
I don't like the way they asked me.
There's a way of doing business fair and square.
Now there are five of them.
I'll give you $100 a head.
You'd give me $100 apiece to kill five men?
What do you think I am?
$1,000 a head.
Now, we both know what you are-
it's just a matter of price.
Price has nothing to do with it.
You paused a little too long for me to believe that.
I paused because you may double the price
in a business deal,
but you don't jump it tenfold.
Well, I... I meant $1,000 for all five of them.
And besides, I didn't offer it. I just said how about it.
You said $1,000 apiece,
and the answer is nein, nyet, no, negative.
I will not be commissioned to kill a man in cold blood.
Well, there ain't no law and order.
Just think of it-
a woman sheriff can't even walk down the main street
of her own town.
Them ruffians won't even let me.
Poor widow woman.
Alone in the world.
Nobody cares.
Nobody to help.
Always before, I had somebody to turn to.
There was Paisley, Yarkley,
Wayne...
Jonathan.
Nobody knows my problems.
Sheriff...
Mother Smuggley...
Yeah?
My heart bleeds for you.
But there are a few drops left over for your opposition.
Well, I guess you made a long ride for nothing.
Could you get me as far as the bar,
so's I could buy you a drink?
Well, isn't it possible
that you're exaggerating just a little bit?
Why, there's nothing that pig swiller'd
like better than to see me out there
waltzing up that main street.
Well, uh...
may I have the next waltz?
Oh, say!
Come on!
You know, I still don't understand
why this town didn't hire a mayor and sheriff.
Well, they did, but he had an attack
of either under-guts or over-bribe and left.
That's when they elected me.
This was a peaceable town- they didn't want nobody shot.
I didn't think these boll weevils would shoot a woman.
But they tried.
Well, where are these "boll weevils"
that are after your scalp?
Well, they're around, Paladin.
They're around.
They just take a little time to get 'glomerated.
You're sure you don't want to help me?
Well, I don't see any evidence at all
that you need any help.
There.
Yeah.
That why you've been smiling like the queen of hearts
on a stacked deck?
Better get Yates.
And don't try anything alone.
You handle your case; I'll handle theirs.
You, black suit,
you sure buy expensive company.
Unless you straddle that bay and ride out of this town,
you're gonna make a down payment
on more trouble than you ever had.
Just let me warn you,
black suit.
That old woman standing by you has a shotgun.
Well, I got to admit that you got more guts than I have
to be put in that spot.
Do us a favor- let us solve our own problem.
Well, I have no intention
of interfering in local politics,
but if I ride out, the lady rides out with me.
Ha! I always leave with the fella which brung me, Greve.
Maybe you don't know who I am.
Ted Greve.
Greve, hm?
Greve...
Oh, Ted Greve!
You ever go back to Abilene?
Or can't you forget how they laughed at you there?
You lying in the dust,
crying.
All right, you better use the other end of that gun,
'cause I'm gonna kill y...
Come over there.
You cut that man in two just like with a circle saw!
Now, I'm not gonna be a party to your settling a lot of petty grudges.
You take cover, or you'll find out how petty they are.
That was just the same as a bushwhack!
Sure was.
Now, look, you can take care of yourself.
You're just as mean as they are.
I ain't as many as they are!
Besides that, they got you grazin' under my brand now.
I don't know what you're gonna do,
but I'm getting off of the street.
I told you they was mean.
Thank you, you're a good friend.
What are you gonna do now?
I pick my own deals.
I won't be pushed, and I don't want to be used
as a catalyst or a cat's paw.
Oh. Well, like they say,
there's only one door to a jail.
You stick your head out that door,
and they'll part your nose for you.
Paladin, you were gonna kill Greve, weren't you?
Well, I wasn't gonna stand there and let him shoot me.
You remind me of my ex-husband!
Which husband?
Paisley. Oh, he was a real Hottentot.
In many ways, he was the best of the breed.
They won't charge in here.
'Cause that's what I want 'em to do, and they're too ornery.
They think they can starve us out.
Well, I didn't have any lunch.
How about you?
Me, neither.
You ain't scared of them, are you, Paladin?
And I'm not a fool.
I didn't want any part of this,
but you fixed it up now so I don't have any choice.
Paladin, you a married man?
Good. I like the way you move.
I'm going out that front door with you.
You're gonna take yourself into the back of this jail
and lock that door and use the shotgun
on the first man who comes through there.
Oh, and you're gonna walk out that door,
and you'll be the played ace in a whist game-
there'll be two in back of you and two in front of you!
How do you know that?
Have I lied to you?
Now, you get yourself into the back of this jail...
you lock the door on the cell,
you lock this door.
You got two barrels in the shotgun.
Use 'em both on the first man who walks through that door.
You didn't get nicked, did you?
No, I didn't get nicked, did I?
Now, go on.
¶ ¶
Rushen?
There was only one shot-
how come there's so many holes in him?
Looks like he caught a full load of double ought buckshot.
Are they in the jail?
Yeah.
They ain't going nowhere.
I'll call him out.
What about the sheriff?
After we get the man,
there'll be a lot of excitement.
Now, she'll use it to sneak out of the jail.
We'll let her.
But trail her.
Let her get out of town before she gets it.
Don't fire until I go for my gun.
All right, spread out.
My name is Yates.
Come on out, mister.
Where are your men?
I'm alone.
Look, mister, anybody can choose the wrong side
when they don't know the facts.
Now, if you want to come out,
ride on out of town, you've got a free pass.
Well, I never paid for a pass yet.
Well, you can't hide forever.
At your convenience, Mr. Yates.
Come on out of the shadows so I can see you.
If you can't see me, you better take off that gun belt.
I'm trying to reason with you, mister.
Why, she ain't no more than a killer.
We're walking the streets in fear of our lives.
You killed her husband.
Maybe one of you people out there'll get me-
that won't make a warm grave or a shallow one
for the two I'm gonna kill.
We got 'em, Paladin!
We got 'em!
I... I tripped.
How did you get out of that jail?
Oh, I had that window fixed for that.
Never leave nothing to chance-
that's what Baxter- or was it Yarkley said that?
Well, listen, I knew if I ever had a man again
we'd clear that bunch out.
You stopped a good one.
Well, not... not as good as the one that they stopped.
Come on.
Guess I won't be...
pitchin' no hay for a few days.
You gonna be strong for this?
I'm strong enough.
Come on, I'll get you in the jail.
Get you fixed up.
No, thank you very much.
Well... it's all over.
I guess you'll be riding out.
Straight as an Indian ever rode the water.
You know, I got a feeling these local folk
would like to see that sheriff's badge on you.
You know, sheriffing's no position for a woman.
Especially one that's halter-broke like me.
Well, halter-broke or not,
uh, I have a feeling that you can handle the job.
Well...
you're a lot like I am, Paladin.
You're all alone in the world.
I buried five husbands,
but they was all smiling.
Now I got me a nice little spread
and a fine house.
And oil- that must be worth something,
or that Yates wouldn't have gone to all that trouble to get it.
What I need is a...
a man...
to take care of these things for me.
Sheriff, are you proposing to me?
Well, if it, uh, didn't work out,
you could always hit the trail,
no hard feelings.
Well, madam, I... Oh, I...
I beg... I beg your pardon.
Uh, Mrs. Smuggley,
while I must confess that I have seen in my life
few sights as beautiful
as you in that second-story window
with that shotgun...
I must decline with regrets.
Aw! I should've know'd.
You're the kind that puts a pretty, young face
in front of experience.
Well, least ways, you're a mite too young for me anyway.
I need a fella that's spent a little more time
on the job.
Why don't you come back in about ten years?
Madam, you have a deal.
Say, tell my nephew howdy.
Nephew?
Well, you must know him- his name is Monk Bordelli.
He owns a fancy place in that hometown of yours.
Monk Bordelli- yes, indeed, I know him.
That's the mangiest, meanest specimen in the human race.
Well, he ain't mine; he's my sister's doings.
Mm.
Good-bye, Mrs. Smuggley.
It has been... charming.
Come back! Visit!
The coffee's always on!
¶ "Have gun will travel," reads the card of a man ¶
¶ A knight without armor in a savage land ¶
¶ His fast gun for hire heeds the calling wind ¶
¶ A soldier of fortune is the man called Paladin ¶
¶ Paladin, Paladin, where do you roam? ¶
¶ Paladin, Paladin, far, far from home. ¶